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Literature, Fanfiction, and Movie Reviews by marnie1990

Litterature by Mep-Art


Submitted on
September 2, 2006
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The French, firstly, is arrogant. He is ignorant enough to think that the French revolution brought A LOT to all of Europe. Yeah, right. UK: still have a queen. Germany: Used to have a king until the World War One. Do I continue? But surely, the French does not know that Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who contributed a lot to the famous French “Droits de l’Homme et du Citoyen” was living in … Geneva, Switzerland. Great! But let us not forget that it is partially because of Lafayette that you Americans eat awful pies on July 4th, and he was French. About the revolution, I want you all to remember that, OK, we killed the king, but what came then, huh? Napoleon, an EMPEROR who is compared in certain countries to Hitler. Yes. Actually, this is a bit unfair because he did good things – such as, permit the girls to NOT get married before the age of sixteen.

Sure, the French likes to riot. Everything is good to create your own revolution. “Excuse me, Sir, but there is a fly in my soup! I protest! Please, everyone, put your hands in the air, and let us make a revolution against this restaurant!” You can see this kind of scenes everyday, everywhere in Paris. Unfortunately, people get used to it and so the French do not react anymore and tourists only take pictures of this funny guy standing on his chair.

The French does not like anything French. Contrary to his German friends, the French is NEVER happy to meet French during a trip foreign, because the French likes to feel like he is a bit from the country he is visiting. Surely he will literally jump on the first frog he sees because he cannot really stand this foreign food, which is so far from the so sophisticated French food.

Talking about food, the French likes to eat weird things. I remember this good old time, when I was about eight and my parents asked me: “What do you want to eat for your birthday?” and immediately I went: “Snails!” France is the only country in the whole world where the parents, after this answer, would then say: ”Okay, so the same than the last year … We’ll get some tomorrow in the morning. Finish your bouillabaisse (fish soup with potatoes, go and read Harry Potter), honey, and after your “tarte tatin” (caramelized apple pie) you’ll get in bed very nicely …” That was good old time.

The French likes sex, but not actual commitment. He sure is the “French kiss” specialist and he generally gets his first sexual experience at three. We could think he is romantic, in fact that does depend on the French. But if you say to a French man “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” (which actually means “Do you want to have sex with me tonight?” - I want you ALL to know that) even though he does not know you at all, he will say “Yes”. See? The French man is like every other one. He is luckier because he has got this song thanks to which he can sleep with tourists. Nice.

Let’s talk about style. Forget about the very stylish French. If he has ever existed, he is dead for a long time now and the generations after him forget his precious lessons. Go in the UK to see stylish people. Japan is not bad, either. But no, the French wears a beret which is, let’s admit it, awful on any head when it’s not Samuel L. Jackson’s one. The French just as surely carries a traditional “baguette” (long bread) and a bottle of wine, which is why he is drunk almost all day (at least that is the only explanation I can find to explain why they all got this huge red nose), and he mostly wears black.

Black, because the French is definitely depressed. Full of himself for years, one day a French writer named “Chateaubriand” came, and wrote about how alone and lonely he was. You can find his books in more than ten volumes. But the French just LOVED it. “Oh, I am so sad, I am so alone, no one likes me, blah blah …” - and it became so fashionable to be sad and depressed, that every French started to look like all his family just died. This has been called “Romantisme” and this is how every foreigner started to think that the French was romantic. However, being romantic in such a way does not mean that you will get a very nice man with whom you will be able to walk at night near the Seine (Parisian river) after a tour in the Eiffel tower. NO. Romantic means EMO. E M O! Do not forget it. The French is EMO.

Physically, the French does not look good either. Mostly fat (French food - the French eats a lot, we cannot blame him) and not very tall (our most famous basketball player is Tony Parker - go and see how tall he is, you will laugh), he has an ass in the middle of his face to look like his favourite actor, Gerard Depardieu, of whom you should get a picture from Google to see what the typical French looks like. Note the red nose, by the way.

I think that is all for the moment, but do not worry: I will not leave France so soon, and you will get more details soon, I swear.

This was Sydney Writer, for DeviantArt International.
You liked this one ? You'll like The Students.

Full title : The French, or portrait of the best man in the world.

A huge thanks to ~Void-Hamlet-Herself who helped me to make this text readable to everyone, that was really nice from her :nod: Thanks hon :hug:

As a member of the French community for some years, I had time to study the French in every way he can be.
Here are my results of over 15 years of analysis:

EDIT (Septtembre 18th, 2007):
After a year of "publication", this text has become one of my most viewed deviation, with more than 1,000 views (which is huge ! I never expected so much) but more, it's also my most commented deviation.
It's time for now to analyse the critism I have got.
I didn't count, but let say I have has many comments from France as I have from other countries.
Most comments from non french people are all the same, just read the first page and you'll get the general idea.
Now, the others.

I never felt that much hatred for any of my other deviations. And yet I am subversal and some of my movies were quite provocative/shocking, and I got to say I never had bad critism.
Let me show you :
:bulletblue: "Wow, a n00b who has no life and who has dedicated his life to hate French people. -.- get a life dude" ~o0neoblack0o May 19, 2007

I will accept this. It's ok, I totaly understand you can disagree with me. All comments begin this way. Then, I read some things (always the same one) which actualy shocked me :

:bulletblue:"If there was a war right now, USA would probably be destroyed, Asiatic countries would unite with Europe and you would get owned." ~o0neoblack0o May 19, 2007

:bulletblue:"Je trouve amusant qu'un Américain (est-ce bien cela ?) trouve que les français sont gros." ~Maelvilian Jun 8, 2007 (Which could be translated by "I think it's funny that an American think the french are fat") (actually I did a grammar mistake in his sentence...)

:bulletblue:"we eat 10 times less that the Americans"... "( I like verry much England, and too America. But this text offends me! )" ~Lee-Nilvyfa Aug 24, 2007

:bulletblue:"After this, 11 september !" ~Dimentio Sep 7, 2007

And more and more...
So, a thing which I noticed was that... they ALL thought I was American ! I'm so so sorry to see that the cliches about Americans are even worst in France than cliches about French in the US or wherever... That will be something to meditate on...

But finally, a comment made me smile, because a french guy showed he was smarter than the others :

"rofl never mind all I said, the whole arguments we had a little time ago.
When I went back this summer, almost all of my friends smoke, drank (while some were not even 13...), one did blowjobs, the other one was a chain smoker, girls on the street were emos, guys were fugly gays with their little stripped pink and white/black shirts and their gay scooters. France changed. A lot."
~o0neoblack0o, Aug 6, 2007

That's all folks, be prepared for a second year !
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SharpSaber Featured By Owner May 10, 2014
Evil, just pure evil.
Coralypso Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Student Writer
A travers ce texte tu as démontré une qualité : l'auto-dérision. Ecrire en anglais un texte aussi long, mettant le doute sur tes intentions et ton origine relève d'un certain talent : je ne pensais absolument pas que tu étais Français (je lis toujours l'oeuvre avant de me renseigner sur son auteur), ma surprise a été immédiate. 
Ton écrit, bien qu'il soit très dur est assez véridique. 
Grâce à toi je reste persuadée que la France ne peut être mieux critiquée que par ses habitants eux-mêmes, même si tu décris seulement Paris. Je pense d'ailleurs qu'il y a beaucoup de critiques faites sur les Parisiens mais peu sur les Provençaux ou sur les gens du Nord. On connait évidemment les stéréotypes : le Marseillais au fort accent qui ne peut s'exprimer sans casser les oreilles de son auditoire, qui boit du pastis tous les midis en été confortablement assis à une terrasse de café ou le Lillois surnommé de ch'ti qui a un langage incompréhensible ou encore l'Alsacien qui mange de la choucroute, de la charcuterie et boit de la bière à longueur de journée.
Néanmoins, une critique aussi élaborée que celle que tu viens de nous présenter j'aimerais bien en lire une. Quitte à critiquer la France et ses habitants, autant que tout le monde y passe ! 

J'aime l'ironie et l'auto-dérision, ça prouve une certaine ouverture d'esprit ! 

Tout ça pour dire que ton écrit m'a scandalisée, moi qui cerne habituellement facilement l'ironie, tu m'as déroutée, bravo !  
latard Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
je me demande s il existe un seul autre pays au monde où l on se livrerais aussi facilement à cet exercice critique. c est peut être là notre seule véritable exception culturelle.
NEOkeitaro Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2013  Professional Filmographer
Exactement : je lisais un texte il y a quelques années à propos de la différence culturelle entre les Français et les Américains, et une chose était écrite qui m'a frappé : en France, faire preuve, de manière systématique, "d'esprit critique" est considéré comme un signe d'intelligence (merci les Lumières...). C'est effectivement typiquement français, profondément ancré dans notre culture. En un sens c'est dommage, car c'est ce qui pousse beaucoup d'investisseurs et de créateurs d'entreprises nottament, en dehors de nos frontières : la critique à outrance ne permet pas l'échec, ou du moins, le prévoit en amont là où il pourrait finalement ne pas exister. C'est assez dommageable, et parfois très agréable de sortir de ce système...
MademoiselleKeehl Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013
C'est vrai que c'est une description assez réaliste-si ce n'est VRAIMENT réaliste- de ce qu'est le Français de nos jours. C'est dommage, vraiment, vu qu'on a quand même pas mal de patrimoine culturel etc.
En tout cas, j'ai vraiment adoré ce texte ! Beaucoup d'humour :) Bravo !
NEOkeitaro Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Professional Filmographer
Merci beaucoup :)
Salindra Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think you forget to say that french Humor is nothing but Sarcasm, then, maybe you will have had a little less hateful comments ;)
Anyway I laughed a lot :)
valent1lourbier Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ahah, vraiment très drôle ! :D
Elleagil Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
WOW... I didn't knew there were people with so little common sens... I don't know were you come from but I'm sure we can find bad things about your country too... Anyway, try to learn more about us, this text absolutly not represents France.
NEOkeitaro Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Professional Filmographer
En parlant de bon sens, il aurait voulu que
1) tu comprennes l'ironie du texte
2) Que tu lises l'intégralité de ce que j'ai écrit avant de commenter.

Je suis Français et j'habite en France. Ce texte présente par l'absurde comment les stéréotypes (quels qu'ils soient, j'ai juste décidé d'en prendre un qui touche une nationalité), n'a aucun sens de part leur fondement même, qui est l'exagération et la généralisation... Le trait est, je trouve, assez forcé pour que l'intention puisse être compris de tous, et pourtant, quelques chauvins français ne comprennent toujours pas... Dommage, c'est finalement ce qui fait de plus de mal à notre réputation sur cette page.
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