The French, firstly, is arrogant. He is ignorant enough to think that the French revolution brought A LOT to all of Europe. Yeah, right. UK: still have a queen. Germany: Used to have a king until the World War One. Do I continue? But surely, the French does not know that Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who contributed a lot to the famous French “Droits de l’Homme et du Citoyen” was living in … Geneva, Switzerland. Great! But let us not forget that it is partially because of Lafayette that you Americans eat awful pies on July 4th, and he was French. About the revolution, I want you all to remember that, OK, we killed the king, but what came then, huh? Napoleon, an EMPEROR who is compared in certain countries to Hitler. Yes. Actually, this is a bit unfair because he did good things – such as, permit the girls to NOT get married before the age of sixteen.
Sure, the French likes to riot. Everything is good to create your own revolution. “Excuse me, Sir, but there is a fly in my soup! I protest! Please, everyone, put your hands in the air, and let us make a revolution against this restaurant!” You can see this kind of scenes everyday, everywhere in Paris. Unfortunately, people get used to it and so the French do not react anymore and tourists only take pictures of this funny guy standing on his chair.
The French does not like anything French. Contrary to his German friends, the French is NEVER happy to meet French during a trip foreign, because the French likes to feel like he is a bit from the country he is visiting. Surely he will literally jump on the first frog he sees because he cannot really stand this foreign food, which is so far from the so sophisticated French food.
Talking about food, the French likes to eat weird things. I remember this good old time, when I was about eight and my parents asked me: “What do you want to eat for your birthday?” and immediately I went: “Snails!” France is the only country in the whole world where the parents, after this answer, would then say: ”Okay, so the same than the last year … We’ll get some tomorrow in the morning. Finish your bouillabaisse (fish soup with potatoes, go and read Harry Potter), honey, and after your “tarte tatin” (caramelized apple pie) you’ll get in bed very nicely …” That was good old time.
The French likes sex, but not actual commitment. He sure is the “French kiss” specialist and he generally gets his first sexual experience at three. We could think he is romantic, in fact that does depend on the French. But if you say to a French man “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” (which actually means “Do you want to have sex with me tonight?” - I want you ALL to know that) even though he does not know you at all, he will say “Yes”. See? The French man is like every other one. He is luckier because he has got this song thanks to which he can sleep with tourists. Nice.
Let’s talk about style. Forget about the very stylish French. If he has ever existed, he is dead for a long time now and the generations after him forget his precious lessons. Go in the UK to see stylish people. Japan is not bad, either. But no, the French wears a beret which is, let’s admit it, awful on any head when it’s not Samuel L. Jackson’s one. The French just as surely carries a traditional “baguette” (long bread) and a bottle of wine, which is why he is drunk almost all day (at least that is the only explanation I can find to explain why they all got this huge red nose), and he mostly wears black.
Black, because the French is definitely depressed. Full of himself for years, one day a French writer named “Chateaubriand” came, and wrote about how alone and lonely he was. You can find his books in more than ten volumes. But the French just LOVED it. “Oh, I am so sad, I am so alone, no one likes me, blah blah …” - and it became so fashionable to be sad and depressed, that every French started to look like all his family just died. This has been called “Romantisme” and this is how every foreigner started to think that the French was romantic. However, being romantic in such a way does not mean that you will get a very nice man with whom you will be able to walk at night near the Seine (Parisian river) after a tour in the Eiffel tower. NO. Romantic means EMO. E M O! Do not forget it. The French is EMO.
Physically, the French does not look good either. Mostly fat (French food - the French eats a lot, we cannot blame him) and not very tall (our most famous basketball player is Tony Parker - go and see how tall he is, you will laugh), he has an ass in the middle of his face to look like his favourite actor, Gerard Depardieu, of whom you should get a picture from Google to see what the typical French looks like. Note the red nose, by the way.
I think that is all for the moment, but do not worry: I will not leave France so soon, and you will get more details soon, I swear.
This was Sydney Writer, for DeviantArt International.